Girl on the Third Floor (2019)

Premise: This is the story of piece-of-shit elemental Don, a dude who just keeps choosing all possible wrong options in the visual novel of his life. Specifically, he’s got a very very pregnant wife, a cool dog and a just-purchased house that he’s supposed to be repairing when he’s not busy uh cheating on the wife, getting drunk or stuff like that. Also, there are ghosts, probably. The vengeaful kind. It’s all a metaphor, you see.
Under 90 minutes? So very close but no.
Do they say the title? Not really. Almost.

One sentence review: Paraphrasing one of Impeccable Taste’s greatest inspirations, George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher, this fun little movie is about a house OOZING CUM OUT OF ITS OUTLETS [SICK RIFF]
Okay, more: I am going to admit that I found something extremely funny for maybe the wrong reason: this movie goes wild about having the main character be on the wrong end of the house literally puking on him, spitting on him, sneezing on him, pooping on him and yeah, cumming on him. It can get very disgusting but also never stops being hilarious when a supposedly dramatic scene ends with him getting all pooped on. I might be easy to please sometimes, I suppose.
The rest of the movie, well, I wasn’t surprised when I found out it was direct to netflixcore stuff. Nothing special, nothing subtle at all (oh boy is this movie unsubtle), but it was entertaining nonetheless, I suppose? Not bad for a lazy weekend watch but just choose anything else otherwise.
A simple way to improve it: just like any movie, this would immediately be improved by adding the Wet Bandits. Maybe our horrible, horrible main character becomes friends with present day Macaulay Macaulay Culkin Culkin, maybe he just goes ham with traps, maybe they all just keep slipping on the cum ooze dominating the floor of that house. Dunno, just throwing ideas here and there.

Trivia about the IMDb trivia:

Was filmed in a reputed haunted house at 207 Center Road in Frankfort, Illinois.

“Reputed haunted house (not really haunted in any way (we just need to promote the movie, friends))”